Worshiping Kismet
by Rosette-Cullen
Summary: Worshiping disaster has its after effects. Edward and Carlisle were more than mere companions in their search for happiness. Slash! Don't read if you're pitted against it.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** **This is Carlisle and Edward, slash and what not. Any rude comments are not acceptable and anyone who leaves one will be banned from reviewing. If you don't like this, then don't read it, not my problem. For those of you who want to continue, I really think this is one of my best pieces and I had a dream last night and when I listened to a song while writing something else, I had to stop and do this.**

**EDIT: Definitely edited this one.**

* * *

**The liquid is in your throat  
One hopeless delight**

**After all you fell in love with death,  
Life has aborted.  
All you've had and all you became,  
The night is calling, you pray forth.**

**The barren waste is your land  
Your crops, they were sown to die**

**The skin is a mirror  
The eyes hollow with ignorance  
Health runs from your lips  
Tucked in and safe in a world of sleep**

**All those years caring for a liar  
A benefit road that is winding higher  
You're a moth too close to the fire**

**You are stuck in a route of confusion  
Changing and waiting and seeking the truth of it all**

**Fleeing your sorrows  
Pushing your spirit away  
**

**

* * *

**

I walked along the empty halls of the abandoned house. It was quiet, lonely; a solemn and reminiscent place. I peered from the balcony into the light of dawn. I could not think of anything without an immense pain that gathered in my chest and rose through my being. The cool fall air was swaying around me, the sun somewhat hidden behind the clouds, and the sight twisted me in agony and pain. I'd had such pleasant thoughts of the sun before; now I only enjoyed the heat because I was cold and dead on the inside, just as I was on the outside. My eyes went to my feet, and my brow puckered in sorrow. Things were painful, so damn painful.

My right hand clutched where my dead heart should have been beating. I fell to the ground and began to hyperventilate unnecessarily. I could hear the frolicking of animals who were rushing off with their mates to hibernate for the winter. I wanted to kill them, I wanted to violently rip their heads from their bodies and kill their happiness. I didn't want to kill for blood, but for the murderous pain that was shadowing over me. The only thing that would have made those thoughts better would be if they knew that I was going to kill them, if they would plead for their lives and scream.

I closed my eyes tightly and pulled my pathetic form from the floor. What would _he_ think if he saw me like this? My feet moved me blindly through the mountainside home. I walked painstakingly slow to the top floor and stopped at the simple wooden door. My hand grasped the knob and turned it. The door creaked open and I slouched in the doorframe while I looked at the room where my most fervent memories lay. I traced a finger over the small cracks along the wood; each touch was like acid, burning me to the core.

I sat down on the large bed and fell to my side. I breathed in his heady scent and wrapped myself in the blood red blankets that adorned the mattress. I hugged a pillow close to my chest and allowed myself to break down. I couldn't cry; it wasn't worth trying to, anyway. All crying did now was force the throbbing in the back of my throat to pulse harder. I should have hated him for what he made me, but I could understand why he did it. He had told me, and I knew.

I bit my lip and looked very carefully around his room. I would never be able to come here again; it wasn't my place anymore. My fingers traced the headboard lightly and I sought out each new mark in the wood that wasn't there before we had come; marks that only as fervent lovers as we knew about. It was wrong, and I knew that, but I loved him. I wished I had told him, but I couldn't now. I had missed my opportunity to do so and I would suffer for it.

But it didn't matted now. I had thought that I could hide from my despair, but I wanted this out of the way before he came home with his… bride. I thought about everything for the first time in weeks. Everything seemed to happen so fast, but it was years that it had been present. I couldn't stop my brain from thinking back to the first time I met him, when I first saw him with my new eyes.

"I don't understand," I had whispered into the air as disbelief washed over me. "Vampires don't exist, and I certainly can't be one. Is this hell?" my tone was incredulous, but I was scared. I had woken to a man at my side, watching my every move with tenderness and care. He had told me the craziest things about vampires and different dietary things, but he hadn't moved his lips.

"What do you mean?" he asked. He looked at me with confusion, but I had been staring intently at him for some time. His gold eyes were penetrating and I couldn't look away from him. His gaze held me in an unbreakable gawk. I had somehow heard him, and the voice in my head sounded just like him when he spoke.

"I- I heard you… you told me about vampires." His eyes widened and his hand went to my forehead. I flinched but relaxed into his touch. "What are you doing?" I whispered.

'_Can you hear me?'_ the voice in my head was asking me, but other thoughts uncontrollably swirled around that sentence. I nodded my head and he relaxed back into his chair by my side. He looked calculative, but he smiled at me, a genuine smile… but it was sad. His gold eyes were darker and purple bruises were under his eyes. _'This is my mind,'_ he told me. I gaped, but I soon understood. I could… read minds.

"No, no, that's not possible. It's impossible to _read_ minds. You can figure something out from someone's personality, but not from their minds. That's just ridiculous, and surely you jest." My voice was a bit hysterical, but I continued to try and persuade myself that this was just a ridiculous dream that I would wake up from and soon be back in the little flu infested hospital.

"It's alright, you don't have to worry. You're not alone in this. Your mother wanted me to save you… I would assume that would be unconditional."

"My mother!" I screamed with sudden realization, looking around the wood paneled room. "Where is she? Where am I? She was by my side, and father… the nurses took him to another room, where did they take him to?" I was throwing questions out but not waiting for their answers. I was in panic and shock and the confusion was making me frustrated.

"I'm sorry…" he murmured, his head looking downwards. "They didn't make it."

"No! My mother said she would be fine.. She was taking care of me and said that she was almost healed!" I was suddenly standing up and I gasped when I made the movement much quicker than I had intended to. And that was when I noticed the changes.

I ran down the hall desperately looking for a mirror of some sort. I came across the bathroom and stopped when I saw myself. My skin was so pale, paler than the sickest patients at the hospital, and it was hard. My hair was a darker shade of copper and my eyes… they scared me. Blood red, the darkest crimson was staring back at me. I saw a demon in the reflection, the angel of death staring me directly in the eye… but that was before I realized that the monster in the mirror was _me_. I backed into the wall, unable to take my eyes from the disgusting creature in the mirror and screamed.

The man was at my side in an instant, trying to control my thrashing limbs while I desperately tried to escape from this hell. His arms encircled around me and pulled me tightly to his chest while he stilled my squirming body. "It's okay. Please, stop. Please…" he begged me quietly. I wanted to cry and turn away, but I found that no tears would fall and the pain in my throat began to erupt.

"Please stop. I won't hurt you. I swear it will be okay. Please, just calm down and listen."

"W- wh…" I whimpered into his chest.

"I promise. I swear I'll explain. Please, Edward."

* * *

A year had passed since that night. The man who had saved me in the hospital was truly an angel. Carlisle, as he had told me, was a doctor who worked around the country, always going through the night and taking the day off to hunt when need be. After a while, we had to move from Chicago. The flu was slowly reeling down and authorities were looking for missing bodies and people. Carlisle couldn't risk us being found out, so we moved along unmarked areas where no human would go.

We managed to find a comfortable mountainside home. It was perfect for hunting and it was in the middle of nowhere.. Carlisle could easily commute to the nearby town's hospital and work there. He was amazing in the way he could control his thirst, but after two hundred years I was amazed by everything he did. He would tell me stories of when he was human -- or what he could remember -- and others from when he was a vampire. I could never get enough of what he told me.

I remembered that night clearly, though.. Four years after he changed me, just before the dawn was breaking, I saw him coming home from the hospital. I nearly jumped from my skin as I rushed down to the foyer to greet him. He smiled at me, one of his genuine warm smiles that made my dead heart leap. He pulled the white coat from his shoulders and put it with the others on the rack. I followed him eagerly up the stairs to his room while he set his medical bag on the table in the hallway..

"How was your day, Edward?" he asked.

"Okay, boring as usual. I hunted a bit; this really big herd of deer came through. I got this really big buck, but I felt bad when this doe came back and started to look for him." I murmured to my feet.

"It's alright, Edward," Carlisle said while he lifted my chin. Our eyes locked onto the other's, his light gold meeting mine. I didn't know how long we looked into each other's eyes like that, but his gaze made my stomach lurch and a hollowness in my chest made me swallow hard. We had drifted closed to one another and I felt his hand on my neck.

His touch was so soothing and calm. We leaned in and then I was lost in oblivion.. His lips touched mine and soon we were pressed so tightly against each other that I could feel the buttons on our shirts snapping and crumbling. His hands were in my hair and back while my mine were on his strong shoulders to pull him closer to me. He pushed me to the doorway, my hand gripped at the frame and I dug my nails in while we continued to move against the other. His lips were on my throat, my breathing was loud and strange noises left my throat at he continued to move. I felt like an animal as we roughly touched the other. But I liked it like this, the way we were touching the other. I could feel rumbling in my chest and I released the noises into the air.

My body was reacting in every way to Carlisle's. My hips were moving of their own accord, and the noises that had left me were now leaving him. I had no idea that I could growl like that, except for when I went hunting. I wanted his lips; his sweet, soft, luscious lips back on mine. My hands moved to his jaw and I pulled him back to me. His soft tongue was with mine in an instant. I opened my weak eyes and met his dark ones. I liked that, the way he looked at me. I could feel some venom slide down my chin and Carlisle licked from my jaw back up to my lips.

His body felt so right against mine. I wanted to scream for more, to have him with me and explore every inch of his marble skin. We stumbled over each other, our hands pulling our ruined shirts from our bodies until we were both topless and he pushed me onto his bed. Carlisle crawled over me and continued to kiss me with those incredible lips. I moved my hands to his belt and undid the buckled while I threw the belt to the floor. It hit me then, what we were doing. If anyone knew we'd be outcasted without a second thought. But we had kept what we were from everyone, and this shouldn't be any different. I didn't care, though,. I wanted this to happen. And I needed Carlisle.

I had always felt a spark or something when I was around him. I thought it was because it was his venom that ran through my veins, but I knew now that it was more, so much more. I had to be his; I needed to be with him. No matter what happened I needed to stay by Carlisle's side. His hands worked my muscles, feeling around my chest and down to my naval. I choked on a moan, and an inhuman growl ripped from my throat.. His fingers pressed me there, right below the indentation in my stomach and I moved my lips to his neck so he wouldn't stop. Everything he did just felt _right_.

My breath hitched when my pants started to slide down my legs. I sat up, but Carlisle pushed me down and began to lick at my ear. I felt exposed, unrightfully so, but I wanted to be with Carlisle, to feel him. I pushed his pants down as well, too embarrassed to look anywhere else but his eyes. They were dark, and his lips moved back to mine as I felt myself harden further. I began panting into his mouth as touched me lightly. My hips bucked and my eyes closed as his lips went to my neck and his hand moved swiftly across my member.. I hissed into the air and kissed his strong shoulder.

He moved me onto my stomach, and I bent my knees as he moved back above me. I leaned on my elbows, and he bent over to move the hair that had fallen in my eyes and kissed me tenderly while entering me from behind. His length moved inside me and I bit my lip a little before he was all the way in. He was all over me, his chest was touching my back and his lips on the back of my neck. I called out his name as he began to move inside of me. I gripped the sheets in my fists while his left hand's fingers brushed across my lips.

I darted my tongue out to lick them and he moved his fingers into my mouth. I licked them and sucked while he continued to pump in and out. He felt amazing inside of me. He felt so right and I didn't want to have it any other way. His left hand went down my stomach and grabbed onto my shaft while he pumped me in rhythm with his thrusts. He was groaning and growling in my ear and soon screaming my name. I turned my head and kissed him as we began to grow closer to our finish. I stilled beneath him while he continued to thrust and pump and I screamed his name out loudly.

I felt myself spill into his hand and he brought it to his mouth, tasting me. I whimpered and licked his fingers with him. His palms pushed against the mattress as he began to still and soon he growled into the air while screaming out my name as loudly as I had ever heard him. He collapsed on top of me, his panting heavy in my ear. He continued to kiss me while we regained our strength. And for the first time since he had changed me, I felt pure bliss. I was so happy to be able to spend eternity with him. But I was foolish to think that it would last.

* * *

Not long after, two years to be exact, he found a woman who had jumped from a cliff after losing her child. I could remember that night vividly. He brought her home dripping in blood; how she still had a pulse was beyond me. He found her in the morgue and couldn't let her die, but he didn't expect to… fall in love. I knew that night would be the last time we would be together, and I didn't want to tell him I loved him; it would only hurt that much worse. I knew that he had figured that out as well, because he was so gentle that night. Every stroke and thrust was fervent and gentle.

It was four years ago today that the dawn of my love first sprouted, and now I had to end it. I looked out the window of the foyer, where I always was when he came home. I could see them arriving; I could hear his bride, Esme, laughing and holding herself tightly to the man I loved so dearly. When she first saw me she was motherly and tender, but she loved Carlisle as her husband. If Esme were to play a role as a mother, would that make Carlisle my father?

I put my hand over my heart and took a deep breath before they made their way up the stone steps and opened the door.

"Edward!" Esme screamed as she threw her arms around me. She smelled like him; her clothes and skin were basking in his scent, and I didn't want to think about what they had done on their week long honeymoon. "How are you? I hope you weren't too lonely. We came back as soon as we could." She smiled at me and I did my best to smile back.

She grabbed her bags and went her and Carlisle's room with the promise of giving me a gift that she had found. I turned and played with one of the trinkets on the foyer table while I avoided Carlisle's gaze. His arms wrapped around me and it made my decision that much harder.

"Please tell me you've reconsidered," he whispered, his voice cracking.

"I… can't," I whispered back. "I'm not welcome here anymore. I just need some time. Stay with Esme and enjoy your wife." I choked a bit.

"Edward, I couldn't help it. I love her." He hid his face in my hair. "And I love you, too."

"You love her more," I whispered in a half dry sob.

"That's not true!" he whispered harshly. "I love her, but I love you, too. It's different, though. I can't live without her, but I need you, too. It's unfair, I want it all, but we can't be what we once were."

"I know that," I swallowed hard. "But I still need to go. I promise I'll come back. I'll still take your name, too. I just need some time on my own. I'll try my damndest to come back in one piece," I joked.

"Edward… please stay." We both heard Esme upstairs as she happily found what she was looking for. Carlisle unwrapped his arms and stepped back from me. I felt disgusting that he moved away, and I needed to leave before he could see me like this.

"This can't be, Carlisle. Be with her." I moved to grab the single bag I had put on the couch before she came and slung it over my shoulder. Carlisle stopped me and turned me to face him. His hand moved my eyes to meet him and he kissed me again. It was tender and sweet, and a farewell gift.

Neither of us said anything, but we were both heartbroken. It could never be, and I didn't want this to happen, but it had to. I didn't want to say goodbye to Esme; as much as I told myself I hated her, I really did like her. She was kind to me, and I hated that, because I didn't deserve it. I left through the front door and ran faster then I ever had before to escape my happiest moments with the man I loved more than life; a life I could not have.


	2. Sequal up!

**I just wanted to let everyone know that I've posted a sequal to this story.**

**The sequal is called _A Venerable Heart _and it's in my stories. :)**

**It's long and I think it finishes this story off nicely, I always thought this was the best story I've ever written because of the emotion and the detailing, and I'm really, really proud of the sequal.**

**Go and check it out!**


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